N(EW)S Not at its Finest

In seventh grade I had a history teacher tell me to get used to saying, "would you like fries with that?" Although I promised to be said teacher's boss one day, their insult seems like child's play compared to being told to, "go kill yourself." That's what went down in Louisiana, where two teachers are now under arrest after threatening and bullying a student of theirs. Who knows? Maybe they thought that tough love meant harassment and intimidation? They do live in Louisiana, after all. I have to wonder if this is the kid's fault. Two teachers attacking you? Clearly, correlation is causation, right? Or maybe Lousiana just has rreeeaaaallllyyyyyy low standards for educators. All I know is that the first rule of bullying a kid- make sure there are no cameras.

Four brave women requested a meeting at the White House to be the Female's voice in Syria. According to ABC News, a meeting was to be held with the Senate Relations Forum Committee to be the voice of Syrian women who are fighting against the tyranny of the Assadi family, in Syria. After the raids occurring in Syria against the dictatorship, these women see the importance of being heard before they lose their opportunity. It's women like this that change the face of history. The ones that take a stand and never back down from the fight. I don't know what the outcome was, but I hope that they turned those staffers on their heads. After the devastation and the turmoil Syria and its residents have been thrown into, something must be done. And that's what these women's goals are: to represent the people, represent their voice, and represent a nation.

Everett offers its citizens many things: industrialized looking buildings, pot holes that are like black holes when a tire hits it, and now- Jesus-being whipped by Roman guards. According to the Everett Independent, The Spanish ministry of the Immaculate Conception Church completed their second year of having a man dressed as Jesus being whipped and insulted by Roman guards, all of the way from the Immaculate school and up Broadway. Not only did citizens watch the display, but many participated. Because nothing says camaraderie like re-enacting the horrible end of Jesus. And I thought the Confederate re-enactment was bad.

Netflix has become amassed in a pit of controversy and ecstasy over their newest show- 13 Reasons Why. The story, originally a book written by Jay Asher explores the psychological dilemma of when to speak up when someone's life is on the line. Netflix, however, threw all of that out of the window and did the EXACT opposite: they encouraged people to remain silent. Something that is a huge no-no for suicide prevention. And according to ABC news, that is exactly what schools are warning parents about. The show has been a cautionary tale, as episodes include suicide plots, shut lips over abuse and bullying, and how to enact slitting one's wrist in order to die. Because that's what suicidal and depressed teenagers need to see- how to die and succeed.

Unicorns don't exist and neither should this food trend. Specifically, the new Unicorn beverage. The disgusting, pink and purple changing beverage has gotten adults in a tizzy-to the point of temper tantrums. If this new fan crazed phenomena has taught me anything, it's that people still lose their minds over shiny objects, and that humanity is downright stupid. Let me tell you what's in this new fantasy beverage: Mango syrup,a sour blue drizzle, pink powder, and a creme frappuccino, all blended to a perfect misery of pink and purple. Do you think these childish adults would be pushing people out of the way to get one of these beverages if it wasn't pink and "sparkly," as Instagram users have described the beverage? Maybe. Who knows? People buy the Double Down from KFC (the chicken acts as a bun), so it wouldn't surprise me. As for Starbucks itself, kudos for being smarter than the average bear. You saw the opportunity and exploited humanity's e...

First Steve Stevens. And now Wuttisan Wongtalay. I think it's time to rethink this Facebook Live thing. According to BBC news, Wongtalay got into an argument with his wife and hung first his baby daughter, and then himself, at a deserted hotel. If this isn't horrific enough, his family and friends were able to watch on, too late to do anything to save either of them. Mark Zuckerburg made a statement about the incidences and reported that they wanted to make Facebook applications as safe as possible, but that's impossible when people are freaking crazy. What is the sick appeal of posting murders and tragedies on live? How do you make something like that safe when it is not something that can be monitored? I'm not even going to make any snarky remarks here, because this is a terrible situation, both for the mother who lost both her husband and daughter, and the family members that had to witness both of their deaths. There's a reason that images and vide...

Remember Spongebob and the episode of the Tattle Tale Strangler? Spongebob decided to bring a litterer in to the police, who was none other than the tattle tale strangler. There's a lesson in that, I think. A lesson that Russel Westbrook somehow needs to learn. If there's not enough heat coming down to MVP candidate Russel Westbrook, he's now also become involved in a horrible situation. According to Fox News, one of his Thunder teammates was being laughed at while shooting the free throw by some of the Rockets team members at last night's game.  I feel like we need a track that goes, "Aw." But it's okay because Westbrook is pretty sure he knows who did it! The tattle tale. I don't understand why this is news. Have we entered kindergarten and there now needs to be a mediator to stop the kids from laughing at another because they don't like the way a ball is thrown? What is it that kids say? Snitches get stitches? It's okay, th...

Dear Jesus, Kim Jong-un is at it again. NBC News reported that the third U.S. Citizen has been detained for reasons unknown. According to the news report, Kim Sang-duk, or Tony, was detained at the Pyongyang Airport last night. No one knows why though. Why was poor Tony detained from leaving such a freethinking country that promotes individuality and basic human rights? My guess is it's because his name was Tony. Why else would they go after an accounting professor? Unless... Professor Kim Sang-duk has created a masterminded plan to invade North Korea with a battalion of nerds. Their battle cry would be: NERDS! ASSSSEEEEMMMBLLLLEEEEE! Or maybe it's because Kim Jong-un just hates people that are actually good with numbers. Seeing as he can't count how many baskets he gets in Basketball, it would make sense. So now Tony would have three strikes against him: U.S. Citizen Good with numbers Name is Tony And, if we can confirm the conspiracy theory of the nerd...